All in due time, I told
Newsweek. But I am happy that, at the prime of my political career, the world
has finally recognized the awesomeness that is me.
“How would you now
finish corruption and terrorism in 90 days?” they asked. “Are you going to do a
military operation in Waziristan?” A resounding NO was my reply, dear Diary,
because only fake liberals support military operations and I am the only real
liberal in this country; Masha Allah (God willing). But
let me tell you, dear Diary, the Tiger of Mianwali was actually a little
worried. Even though I knew that I can never be wrong. I mean, if Imran Khan
has said that the Taliban would be taken care of in 90 days, then they will be
taken care of in 90 days. After all, who can forget that it was I who had
predicted Pakistan’s win in the 1992 World Cup?
One day, as I was
contemplating my options, an owl came out of nowhere and landed on my shoulder.
Yes, dear Diary, an owl! But this was no ordinary owl. This one had flown all
the way from Hogwarts and was carrying a message.
‘Harry Potter wants to
meet me’.
The following day Harry
arrived in Bani Gala, riding a broomstick (not kidding)! He told me that during
the Tri-wizard Tournament, when he was listening to the golden egg underwater,
he had actually heard the song “Dil nek
ho, Niyat saaf, To ho insaf, Kahe Imraaaan Khan!!” (Only a clean heart and pious intentions can do justice, says Irman Khan).
The next week we called
a huge press conference. Well, ‘huge’ would be an understatement, dear Diary,
as it was not a press conference, but a press tsunami. Well not even a tsunami;
I would rather call it a TSUNAMA! From Roznama Surkhab to The New York Times to
the Daily Prophet, everyone was there. The seating arrangement
for the Tsunama conference raised a lot of suspense — we had placed the
journalists in the middle, while a huge fenced enclosure was erected to their
left, and a dozen empty shipping containers were parked to their right.
I initiated the
proceedings and officially asked Harry to rid Pakistan of terrorism. In
response, Harry took out his wand and shouted, “Accio Taliban! Bad ones only!” Suddenly the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP)
started dropping from the sky and into the fenced enclosure. The army jawans
surrounding the fence shouted ‘Hands up!’, and thus the formidable TTP was
taken into custody without even a single bullet being fired…!
I then asked Harry to
help return the billions looted by corrupt politicians. Again Harry waved his
wand and shouted, “Accio Swiss Accounts! Politicians only!” And suddenly the
parked containers became full with dollars. They say Zardari was watching it
live and had a heart attack when he saw that. I pray for his recovery.
With this done, Harry
broke his wand into two and embraced Islam at the hands of Junaid Jamshed. He
has been renamed Haris Puttar and is now a member of the Tableeghi Jamaat as
well as the PTI.
And this is how I
fulfilled my promise to eliminate corruption and terrorism from Pakistan within
90 days.
But that’s not the end,
dear Diary, as there are drones to deal with as well. Luckily Superman has also
joined our cause. Apparently when he was flying by the moon he heard the chant
“Kaun bachaae ga, Pakistan? (trans. Who will save Pakistan?) Imraaan Khan!! Imraaan Khan!!” He said he wants to help us
take down the drones. Let’s see how that one goes.
HERALD, Journal Observations, April
10, 2013.
http://herald.dawn.com/2013/04/10/journal-observations; accessed Aug.1, 2013.
No comments:
Post a Comment